In A Rush?
The topic near and dear to me in this looney election is health policy. Mr. “I’m a great businessman” Trump may be “great with the tax-code” or experienced with bankrupt casinos but flat-out, the man’s health policies are flawed and skimpy compared to Hillary Clinton’s. I must ask: How would our children be affected if he were elected president?
Let’s play out a scary hypothetical.
Pretend we’re living in an alternate reality, with Trump as president. 5 children: Tonald Drump, Jonald Dohn, DJ Tower, Donnie T, and Trumpald J are all undergoing a Trump-inspired scenario. Judge for yourself.
TONALD DRUMP – THE NEWBORN BABY WHOSE MOM CANT TAKE PATERNITY LEAVE
Tonald Drump is an adorable newborn with very excited working-class parents. Mom is overly excited about her solid 6-week paid maternity leave.
Wait! Trump is president and his faulty maternity plan favors the wealthy, not the poor or working class! It only includes a tax-deduction, NOT credit. These working-class parents, like 40% of Americans, don’t make enough to financially benefit from this poorly-designed plan. Mom is freaked out.
Can dad help?? No such luck. The plan doesn’t include paternity leave. That sucks. Mom has to march right back to work and leave her new baby to whomever she can afford from CraigsList. (His plan also excludes adoptive and single parents. Whoops.)
JONALD DOHN – THE 2-MONTH-OLD WITH MISSED VACCINATIONS
A worried parent has a lovely little 2-month-old, named Jonald Dohn, and is sitting in a pediatrician’s office.
“The president doesn’t fully trust vaccines so why should I?” she begins pondering. “After all, the Trump Foundation DID make a donation to Jenny McCarthy’s anti-vaccination campaign.”
“Dr. Trump” doesn’t care about the mountains of research supporting vaccine safety, with NO proven link to autism. He lives off rhetoric and internet folklore. “Doctors lie to patients” The mother recalls another one of Trump’s ridiculous rants.
Ultimately this baby doesn’t get his full set of shots, gets rotavirus, and gives it out to kids at his daycare. It’s diarrhea for days up in there.
DJ TOWER – THE 11-YEAR-OLD RACIST BULLY
DJ Tower just got suspended from the 5th grade.
“What happened?!” his mother asked the principal.
“DJ mocked a handicapped student. And then said his teacher was bias because she was Mexican.” The principal was oddly apathetic. She’d seen this before.
“Where did you learn such behavior DJ?!?”
“Um we saw youtube videos of Trump doing it. He’s the president so we thought it was ok.”
“I remember a day when our presidents were great role models for our children.” DJ’s mother then lit a prayer candle.
DONNIE T – THE 7-YEAR-OLD WITH A CHRONIC ILLNESS AND NO PEDIATRICIAN
Donnie T’s mom is stressed out. This new president repealed the Affordable Care Act and she’s now one of the 20 million Americans who lost their health insurance! Her state received Trump’s Medicaid block grants so her child’s insurance was also tampered with – she’s confused!!
Little Donnie needs regular visits to his pediatrician. Well, thanks to this epic failure of THIS plan, pediatrician reimbursement fell, clinics are overpacked and appointments, if you’re lucky to get one, are now a pathetic 10-minute scramble.
They tried to switch insurance providers for a better plan but Trump allows insurance plans to cross state-lines. Whoops, they’re now in network for docs that are a 90-minute drive from their house.
TRUMPALD J – THE TODDLER WHO NEEDS EARLY INTERVENTION BUT CAN’T GET IT
Little Trumpald is 15-months-old and his lower-income parents think he’s delayed compared to his little peers. They want the best resources and mom recalls Hillary Clinton chatting about early head start and child care partnership programs. Oh but this is a different reality; Team Trump doesn’t even know what “Early Head Start” is.
While Hillary Clinton planned on doubling investments in early child development programs, Trump didn’t. Will Trumpald J eventually be ready for preschool? Is his “delay” something serious? Who knows.
THE TRONALD – THE EGOCENTRIC 16-YEAR-OLD WHO LEARNED MISOGYNY FROM THE DONALD
“The Tronald” is an early believer in the sexualization of women. Just like the president, whom he looks up to, he thinks a woman’s best assets are her breasts, curves, and anything else he can “move on”. A girl at school slapped him because he accused her of “bleeding from her – you know.”
Later, he got into a public dispute because he saw a woman pumping breastmilk yelled out “YOU’RE DISGUSTING!!!” Just like the Donald.
The Tronald is running from school president because he once heard that if you’re power you can grab women by the genitalia.
“Wait isn’t that sexual assault?” He thought to himself. “Oh well, the Donald did it.”
PART 2: THE HILLARY CLINTON VARIATION COMING SOON.
What’s My Point?